SHORT STORY
Life Story
By David Shields


First things first.
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever. I may grow old, but I'll never grow up. To fast to love, too young to die. Life's a beach.
Not all men are fools - some are single. 100% single. I'm not playing hard to get - I am hard to get. Heaven doesn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over. I'm the the person your mother warned you about. Ex-girlfriend in trunk. Don't laugh - your girlfriend might be in here.
Girls wanted, all positions, will train. Sexy blonde on board. Not all dumbs are blonde. No fat chicks. I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet. Nobody is ugly after 2am.
Party on board. Mass confusion on board. I brake for bong water. Jerk off and smoke up. Elvis died for your sins. Screw guilt. I'm Elvis - kiss me. Ten and a half inches on board. You can't take it with you, but I'll you hold it for a while. Be kind to animals - kiss a rugby player. Ballroom dancers do it with rhythm. Railroaders love to couple up. Roofers are always on top. Pilots slip it in.
Love sucks and then you die. Gravity's a lie - life sucks. Life's a bitch - you marry one, then you die. Life's a bitch and so am I. Beyond bitch.
Down on your knees, bitch. Sex is only dirty when you do it right. Liquor up front - poker in the rear. Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I haven't had sex for so long I forget who gets tied up. I'm looking for love but will settle for sex. Bad boys have bad toys. Sticks and stones may break by bones, but whips and chains excite me. Live fast - love hard - die with your mask on.
So many men, so little time. Expensive but worth it. If you're rich, I'm single. Rich is better. Born to shop. Born to be pampered. A woman's place is the mall. When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. Consume and die. He who dies with the most toys wins. She dies with the most jewels winds. Die, yuppie scum.
Expectant mother on board. Baby on board. Family on board. I love my kids. Precious cargo on board. Are we having fun yet. Baby on fire. No child in car. Grandchild in back.
I fight poverty - I work. I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go. It sure makes the day long when you get back to work on time. Money talks - mine only knows how to say goodbye. What do you mean I can't pay off my Visa with my MasterCard?
How's my driving? Call 1-800-545-8601. If this vehicle is being driven recklessly, please call 1-800-EAT-SHIT. Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My other car is a horse. My other car is a boat. My other car is a Rolls-Royce. My Mercedes is in the shop today. My ex-wife's car is a broom. I think my car has PMS. My other car is a piece of shit, too. Do not wash - this car is undergoing a scientific dirt test. Don't laugh - it's paid for. If I go any faster, I'll burn out my hamsters. I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you. Pedal downhill.
Shit happens. I love your wife. Megashit happens. I'm single again. Wife and dog missing - reward for dog. The more people I meet, the more I like my cat. Nobody on board. Sober 'n' crazy. Do it sober. Drive smart - driver sober.
No more Mr. Nice Guy. Lost your cat? Try looking under my tires. I love my German Shepard. Never mind the dog-beware of owner. Nuke the gay whales. Don't fence me in. Don't tell me what kind of day to have. Don't tailgate or I'll flush. Eat shit and die. My kid beat up your honor student. Abort your inner child.
Not so close - I hardly know you. Watch my rear end, not hers. You hit it - you buy it. Hands off. No radio. No condo/ No MBA/ No BMW. Protected by Smith & Wesson. Warning: This car is protected by a large sheet of cardboard. 
LUV2HNT. Gun control is being able to hit your traget. Hunters make better lovers: they go deeper into the bush - they shoot more often - and they eat what they shoot.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do own the whole damn road. Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on.  I don't drive fast - I just fly low. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
I may be growing old, but I refuse to grow up. Get even: Live long enough to become a problem with your kids. We're out spending our children's inheritance. Life is pretty dry without a boat. Everyone must believe in something - I believe I'll go canoeing. Who cares!
Eat dessert first - life is uncertain. Why be normal? Don't follow me - I'm lost, too. Wherever you are, be there. No matter where you go, there you are. Bloom where you are planted.
Easy does it. Keep it simple, stupid. I'm 4 Clean Air. Go fly a kite. No matter - never mind. UFOs are real. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. I brake for unicorns.
Choose death.